After we got married it wasn't exactly the butterflies, non-stop romance, Disney ending happily ever after I imagined it to be. It wasn't horrible, by any means, far from it actually it was just different than I expected. It took a while to transition into the wife role. I started my Proverbs 31 study and the Lord really showed me what a Godly wife looked like. It was a real eye opener for me!--More on this subject later.
Growing up I always knew that one day I wanted to be a mommy. As I was always the "motherly" one in my group of friends I thought for certain the mommy role would come much easier,--more so then transitioning into a wife--. I always thought I would just automatically fall and embrace mommy-hood for all it was worth. I had always been around children babies, heck my dream job is working with kids. I just knew becoming a mommy would be easy for me.
Wrong. So wrong, but for that I'm grateful I can say this now as we're going 5 months into this mommyhood those terrifying nights and scary moments throughout the day have helped mold me into a mother.---the work is FAR FAR from being done--. I am most certainly a work in progress and always will be. Two weeks postpartum after everything slowed down, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What the hell had we done? I'm not cut out to be a mommy, I still need my mommy. How the heck am I supposed to be someone else's mommy?
I hate to say it but I didn't feel that immediate bond, connection with Caroline when she was born. A mixture of shock, exhaustion, and anxiety took the place of that connection. It wasn't until she was about 3-4weeks did I really feel that connection. It overwhelmed me to the point of tears, I felt that love that connection I had been searching for and I will never forget that moment. So was it postpartum depression? No, thankfully. Having anxiety before pregnancy, I knew my chances of having postpartum depression ran greater than some. In fact, that fear of developing PPD held me back at one point from wanting to become a biological mommy at all. I'm still fearful of it and it lurks like a dark shadow creeping behind me.
So here is what I've learned so far....
One thing I've learned while being a mommy is that
you can't live in fear. Fear that something may happen to Caroline, fear that I won't measure up as a mom. Fear that I'll fail as both a mom and a wife that I won't be able to balance the two and give one more attention than the other. John 10:10 says, "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I have come that may have life and have it to the full". If I let myself be consumed by the the fear the thief--devil--will steal moments from me that I need to be fully present for. Living in that fear will only allow the devil to steal my joy! Will I fail? Yes, I will. But that doesn't make me a failure. I am a work in progress.
Another thing I've learned is that
you cannot compare yourself to other mommies. I love social media, it is a great tool that allows me to keep connections with friends. Especially since we've moved Facebook, Instagram, and Snpachat helps me feel connected still to my friends even though we're all over the state and country. However comma social media can make one feel so INFERIOR. Holy cow, this was something I didn't really know until I became a mommy. A mommy friend posted about how jealous she was of those that post nothing but their perfect babies and mommy baby relationships while she had nothing but a crying fussy baby. I kindly pointed out that people post what they want others to see. I've found myself in the middle of the night--during feedings-- scrolling through friends Facebook pictures to see how I should be doing things at each stage. Trying to match up to what I viewed as picture perfect. One thing that I came to realize, is that though their pictures may look perfect their life may not be. I posted tons of pictures of our sweet little family during one of my roughest weeks. No one would have ever guessed that I went to bed the night before in fear of a middle of the night panic attack. Mark Twain said that, "comparison is the death of joy". I have found that to be so true, not only in my journey as a new mom but in mommy friends journey's as well. I encourage you all to do some soul searching as I'm currently doing to become the best mom you can be.
Flexibility is key. So in my head I would have a had a easy 100% natural labor, a perfectly latched baby, breasts full of good fatty milk, and returning back to my old self fairly quickly. I really do like to think that the good Lord sits up there and cracks up at some of our plans, which is fine. I would laugh at me too. Let's see I had an epidural, pushed for 3 solid hours, and Caroline had to the suctioned out. She latched perfectly but my milk doesn't have nearly enough calories to help the girl grow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula but I really wanted to be able to breastfeed C exclusively as long as I possibly could. I'm one of those that actually enjoy breastfeeding. I really struggled with this and cried in the baby aisle at Target when purchasing our first container of formula. Bless our pediatrician's heart she gave me a lot more grace than some would have and didn't automatically shove free samples of formula in my face. She really worked with us but it really all came down to Caroline not gaining enough weight. She was getting enough to be satisfied but not gain weight. So she now gets both formula and breast milk. See, flexibility. I've also had to learn in being flexible in letting Derik help with C. I've felt that since he brings home the bacon that my role as a stay at home mom makes me feel obligated to do everything when it comes to Caroline. Also, it could be a touch of selfishness with the thought that no one can do it quite like mom--absolutely no offense hun, you're truly wonderful it really is just a mom thing--. I'm beyond thankful for a husband that even after a long day at work he swoops in and takes over C while I'm finally able to shower or start cooking dinner.
Last but not least,
It takes a village. And boy do we have a village a big one. I simply cannot list every member of that village in fear of leaving someone out between our parents, our siblings, his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Caroline will never know what it's like to be unloved. She is going to grow up with a wonderful support system. People their to lead and guide her when mommy and daddy know absolutely nothing, people that she'll emulate and admire. The first month or two post partum we were rarely alone. Our fridge/freezer stayed packed full of homemade meals and freezer meals. Our laundry stayed in check along our toilets, mirrors, sinks, shower, dishes etc. My point here is if someone offers their help take it. One of my best friends came up just to hold Caroline so I could take a nap and shave my legs. In that moment, that was the best thing she had ever done for me.--Not true she's done a million wonderful things for me--but in that afternoon I needed sleep also, shaven legs and she didn't mind access to a stocked fridge and Netflix on demand. So it truly takes a village you just have to allow that village to play their parts in the roles of your children's lives.
So mommyhood isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Somedays are better than others, some nights she sleeps, some she doesn't. But we're hanging in there. We're making it, we're still a work in a progress. Would I trade this for the world? No, not a single second. Caroline is by the most precious perfect gift we've ever received. I'm so so thankful that the Lord saw fit to give us our sweet Caroline. She's taught me more about myself in the past 4 1/2 months than anyone could ever have. I know she will continue to teach me new things everyday. I'm cherishing every. single. moment.
